How do I handle the push/pull game? - studiojul.info Community Forums
There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat with a bottle of wine and a thong. Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, and hell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a good friend. And maybe she still likes me. So, he calls, or emails. I still think about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knows he was loved by this woman, and she still adores him.
He feels better about himself, and can go back to being Mr.
Do the right thing with wife. Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I was sick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'm glad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked out between us. How could she have done this? After all, he was really going to leave someday.
And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life and marriage, and that OW was just a fling to him. More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to the mindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story.
Women who have mastered the Push-Pull game - Share your secrets
This life is not so bad, after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she found happiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her. But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SG anymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends. Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty for hurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to have someone who adores me constantly.
And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and no response. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoring ME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. These are the basic dance steps to this type of behavior.
Each step is a phase, and each phase has a cycle. This formula is predictable and consistent even when your partner's reactions are not.
Simply put, when you pull away, they'll re-engage you. When you advance, they'll pull away. After a cycle or two of this routine you'll be so confused you won't know which way to move. The pattern repeats itself for as long as you're willing to play this game.
The beautiful truth is that this has nothing to do with you. You're not at fault. There's nothing you did, or didn't do, that's causing this. Don't let your friends analyze your situation and convince you otherwise.
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Just notice where you are in the cycle and don't let it disempower you. Understanding what comes next puts you back in control of your own reactions.
There's a marked difference between a relationship hiccup and the game of hot and cold. Relationship hiccups occur because your partner is emotionally invested, but scared. There's open communication about their fear. Once stated, the hot phase normally reboots and continues with forward movement. A hot and cold player reverts to cold as the norm, with bursts of hot that don't result in forward movement. The root cause of this behavior is a desperate attempt to gain control over the uncontrollable; love.
It's a way to feel love without getting hurt. But the partner, who's committed to playing safe, will never allow himself or herself to experience love. They'll toy at it, dipping their toes in and out of the water without ever getting wet. The cycles of hot and cold may make you feel like the powerless one. It appears as though as though your partner has all the strength. But it's just the opposite -- real power is the ability to maintain intimacy.
Power and strength of this caliber have no fear of being honest and direct. Games are an ego default when being "real" feels too scary.
Authenticity takes tremendous courage. Being open and honest is a gift that's born of inner confidence and self-worth. Here's where the tables turn in your favor. Once you recognize this pattern, you've already gained your freedom from the automatic response instigated by your partner's game.
There's nothing to lose. Authentic communication reveals your partner's fears, allowing their concerns to be voiced and worked out while maintaining connection. Does your questioning meet hostility, defensiveness or resistance? If so, you've gained valuable information. This is a partner who's in the game for an ego boost and doesn't possess the skill set required for a relationship with you.
Cut your losses and walk away. Your time's better spent with someone who is capable of honesty, intimacy, and consistent behavior.
After questioning, does your partner react with concern or guilt? Do they reveal their inner conflict? If so, then you may have stumbled upon a highly sensitive and fearful individual. Evaluate your partner carefully.